Lately, I have been pondering about "letting go". I have had my share of offenses, like everyone else and I wonder at times have I been forgiven or has the person completely let me slip through the cracks. However, I have yet to let go certain offenses from particular people and my reasons are not because I want to hold on to a grudge for anger sakes but I just need to hold on.
(I am going to be as discreet as possible) I am not going to get into the familial drama that started the craziness but I will say it has always been and still is the hardest thing to deal with when it wasn't yours to begin with and you get pulled in the middle of it anyhow. Even though, your main concern was not who drew first blood but rather how can I just let both sides know that I love them without offending the other half-you still somehow end up with the short end of the stick.
Was my efforts of being honest and neutral with both parties a new interpretation to the idiom, burning the candle at both ends? I believe I worked hard as I could to make things work not just for my sanity but for the sake of the family. I had hoped that through my example of showing unconditional love, that somehow these two would finally connect. That maybe they would stop putting the rest of the family in the middle of things. I think I had too much hope. One person even said that all of this goes way too deep and there is no way to salvage things.
I, of course, didn't listen to that person (I should have) but I continued in trying to make things better and suddenly the greatest opportunity presented itself to me. Everyone told me that it wouldn't work, it'll just make matters worse. But like the believer in all things miracle, I made an effort to bring these parties together. The closer the date was getting, the realer things were getting-it seemed as if everything was going to be okay.
Then all of a sudden, it just wasn't okay, it will never be okay ever again. One party made it seemed as if there was no real offense but they just were not comfortable with the situation. While the other party was just silent...dead silent. Not a soul to utter a word or two, just left me in the fog of my own second guessing. Oddly enough, I wasn't hurt or disappointed-I sort of expected that to have happened-I was just slightly confused.
I have made a bigger mess of things because others have rose up to the occasion in my defense, while getting backlashed or shall I say "blacklisted" rather. And like those who have been banished from their lives, I, too am a ghost in their world now. So, here I am rotted with a guilt that's not of my own. Left to ask myself, can I let this go? And a big part of me answers no because besides the blood we share, it is all I have left of them.
