Closure

Crisp and clear is the air that you breathe 

Capturing my hair into the wind freely 

Sending rapturous whispers of love into my soul 

Guiding my heart across the Celestial pole  

Closing my eyes, I breathe in deeply 

Sensing the fresh air of the winter night sea 

While your spirit rode on the waves 

You beckoned me to come your way 

Light and carefree my inner self wanted to be 

In loving thought, I believed you to be my destiny 

When in truth I was drowned by your deceit  

At least that is what I believed 

Somehow your selfish acts 

Always seemed to promenade just for me 

After all of this, remiss 

I stand strong and true 

To no longer, yearn for your kiss 

For I no longer need you 

The ACT of letting go

What exactly is the act of letting go? does one sit and finally decides, "okay, fuck this mental bullshit-I gotta get off of this train to GUILTville" or does it just slip from your heart and through your fingers like fake silk?

Lately, I have been pondering about "letting go". I have had my share of offenses, like everyone else and I wonder at times have I been forgiven or has the person completely let me slip through the cracks. However, I have yet to let go certain offenses from particular people and my reasons are not because I want to hold on to a grudge for anger sakes but I just need to hold on.

(I am going to be as discreet as possible) I am not going to get into the familial drama that started the craziness but I will say it has always been and still is the hardest thing to deal with when it wasn't yours to begin with and you get pulled in the middle of it anyhow. Even though, your main concern was not who drew first blood but rather how can I just let both sides know that I love them without offending the other half-you still somehow end up with the short end of the stick.

Was my efforts of being honest and neutral with both parties a new interpretation to the idiom, burning the candle at both ends? I believe I worked hard as I could to make things work not just for my sanity but for the sake of the family. I had hoped that through my example of showing unconditional love, that somehow these two would finally connect. That maybe they would stop putting the rest of the family in the middle of things. I think I had too much hope. One person even said that all of this goes way too deep and there is no way to salvage things.

I, of course, didn't listen to that person (I should have) but I continued in trying to make things better and suddenly the greatest opportunity presented itself to me. Everyone told me that it wouldn't work, it'll just make matters worse. But like the believer in all things miracle, I made an effort to bring these parties together. The closer the date was getting, the realer things were getting-it seemed as if everything was going to be okay.

Then all of a sudden, it just wasn't okay, it will never be okay ever again. One party made it seemed as if there was no real offense but they just were not comfortable with the situation. While the other party was just silent...dead silent. Not a soul to utter a word or two, just left me in the fog of my own second guessing. Oddly enough, I wasn't hurt or disappointed-I sort of expected that to have happened-I was just slightly confused.

I have made a bigger mess of things because others have rose up to the occasion in my defense, while getting backlashed or shall I say "blacklisted" rather. And like those who have been banished from their lives, I, too am a ghost in their world now. So, here I am rotted with a guilt that's not of my own. Left to ask myself, can I let this go? And a big part of me answers no because besides the blood we share, it is all I have left of them.

Summer Concerts

I throw my hands up to the skies
As my Spirit leaps out of my skin wondering aimlessly.

Why does it seem that the stars are loosing their luster?
Slowly diminishing from prying eyes
Slowly disappearing...out of sight.

The moon's glow was stolen
It's the scheme of things, that the thief would appear in the thick of the night.

And the confounded crickets, no longer the symphonious lyres they use to be,
only serve to confuse me.

Meanwhile, Ambrosia's pale ale defiantly makes her way pass my lips as I purse them up to the Gods of Summer

While I attempt to sing my song to whomever will listen...
To whoever is in charge of miracles...
To whoever is the guardian of the heavenly symphony.
You are my audience...Soldiers of Music.

As I stand waiting for the refreshing *soltic breeze,
where indigo and orange meets,
my body is prickled with unnerving chills.

Gathering my wits...gathering twigs
Swinging from branch to branch
my mind's dreams can only dance
to whatever symphony you impose upon me.

This Maestro called life,
know that for now I shall fill your house, with a crowd to see
how unpredictable your harmony can be

Bravo...Bravo!!! They'll scream,
Encore...Encore!!!

I broke my leg, here I still stand
I sweated....I cried...I fucking bled
But this summer concert is not the end

I will keep singing, Conductor

©Jessica Rodriguez


*In reference to summer solstice

I am not made out of stone nor am I made from glass

I cannot freeze my feelings to imitate the fossils that are so deeply embedded into that hard hard ground

Nor will I crack away into tiny pieces of delirium with whatever sharper tool of the shed you use to break the news to me

I am not a cold statue of clay that was molded into whatever model cast emotions the artist envisioned me to be

Do not peg me as a far-sided looking glass that should emulate the very hurt on your own face

I am but a not-so complex caste of DNA and gene pools that stretches to several generations deep

I cry, laugh, hurt…hurt…hurt…hurt and laugh again 

My mind is always riddled with soulful expertise in all what life has taught me

My body…wear and tear

My heart, shiny bright pumping me full of rage running through my veins and back again

Pumping me full of hate…hate of the situation hatred for the cliche’s that make things feel like home again

There is a comfort to that.

I am so crazed with anger and sadness but my secret passion is joy, love, and understanding

I am not stone nor glass

I just am

— ©Jessica Rodriguez

Christmas...

Let's all sit back and remember what Christmas was, is, and should continue to be.

It may have started off as a Pagan holiday and masked under Christianity by people who wish to control the will and hope of others. Historically, it has it's many masks due to ill will and ulterior motives. However, growing up, Christmas for me was getting together with family & friends, celebrating each other's company and rewarding each other's goodwill with a gift.

Also, being born and raised Catholic, Christmas had another deep meaning for me. A story that was told to me from time to time of a child's birth. This child who would one day unite many people with love, peace, and sacrifice. Even if it were a made up story, you have to admit it is a beautiful story about the spirit of man.

I don't know what were the intentions behind those who may or may not fabricated the story and I, like you, never will. And many people may not believe it or feel as if it was just another ploy for religion to control the masses, so to speak. But where's the harm in good people believing in another good person who made it his life's work to unite us all under peace. This is not a question of faith in someone you never got to see with your own eyes, this is about the faith and hope in all of us as humans being good to one another because we want to be.

As I said, I don't know what the intentions were behind such a great story. But I do know this, because of this "fable" my life, my soul, my love will always have an abundance of hope for the spirit of all men, women, & children. Forget about the religious causes, forget about the presents, forget about the Pagan like rituals just remember what Christmas should be for us all and everyday of the year, it should continue to be about PEACE.

Change

Change before you have to.
--Jack Welch

This is a well lesson, for those of us who fear change and fears the truth of life. Whether we like it or not, life is always changing before us. I believe we should be two steps ahead and make that difference in our lives before the Universe does it for us.

If we just sit there and wait for the change to come, what life lessons have we learned? what growth has taken place in our spirit and minds? None. When this happens, we tend to focus on who should be held responsible for this travesty? Why me or why does this always happens to me?

I say embrace change and accept life for what it is worth. Tend to your own faults and move on to the next step. Quit blaming others, quit blaming the Universe and just live with acceptance and peace.

A Work of Art

Kiss me, until the sun stops shining.

Kiss me, 'til the day that the rivers run dry as the desert sands.

Kiss me, 'til Alaska feels the same as Hawaii.

Hold me until we all know the meaning of life.

Forever tell me that I am yours always,

And that nothing in and out of this world could get in our way.

I could stay within myself, starring into your eyes

forever that gorgeous glow.

It is the same as starring at the moon on a dark spring night.

And your spirit... your soul,

Is like the wonderful brights of the stars.

So many out there that goes on for eternity,

shining their lights on me.

You are a marvel. A mystery

A passionate painting,

that screams out to be noticed...

through its many colors.

Monet could not do you justice,

Michelangelo would be afraid to ruin your beauty,

And Da Vinci would leave just the way you are.

A masterpiece from the heavens

I am so fortunate

to be a witness

to such unique beauty.

This is true...I swear it.